Go Ahead, Answer It

Revolution #031, January 22, 2006, posted at revcom.us

Go Ahead, Answer It

We realize that all this media attention to government wiretaps and massive data mining has made you reluctant to use the phone. Don't worry. Our President told us to target only those Americans contacting foreign terrorists and their supporters, sympathizers, casual acquaintances, persistent war critics, pesky environmentalists, and anyone else that he decides are bad people. The dwindling number of good, honest Americans who support our President have nothing to fear, and rest assured, those who try to prove otherwise will be hunted down by federal investigators. We will no longer permit the irresponsible reporting of facts to cause worry and doubt among the American people.

Of course you will still be monitored, but consider it not an invasion, but an enhancement of your privacy. Can't keep track of who you called or what you wrote? We will. Don't remember that January 5, 2004 email to your Aunt Rose entitled "Bush is a liar?" We haven't forgotten. And now that we're tapping directly into some of the main telecommunication arteries with the ability to identify key words and phrases - we have the ability to assist those millions of Americans who may need reminding about what they shouldn't say on the phone or computer. Might be a mom calling her school to insist that her kid not be preyed on by military recruiters. Or an unruly teen making off-color jokes about the vice-president.

Be patient with us though – there’s so much to handle now that we’re getting a little overwhelmed. But we’re working hard on our capabilities and with the help of your president, soon we’ll be able to sift through the information we're collecting and immediately dispatch an intervention team to the proper residence and bring them to their senses. We can be very persuasive, you know.

So don't let all the hysterical reporting upset you. Rest easy, and don’t do anything to rock the boat. It's not like tomorrow morning government agents are going to kick in your door, drag you out of your home in front of your terrified family, and ship you off to some Eastern European prison for interrogation because of some little careless disloyal remark you made on the telephone. Because we’re positive you would never say those things. After all, we'd know if you did.

This good advice was brought to you by

The National Security Agency

"We’re always interested in what you have to say"

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