Once-in-a-lifetime employment opportunity: POPE

February 24, 2013 | Revolution Newspaper |


The Opportunity

Presides over an archaic institution dedicated to an imaginary being. As the Catholic Church’s Supreme Pontiff, enforces medieval standards of behavior: no sex outside traditional marriage, no birth control or abortion, no homosexuality. Stifles thought and censures dissidents within the church. Denounces modern life and atheists. Promotes the interests of modern imperialists while speaking the dead language of ancient imperial Rome.

The Role

His Holiness assumes the mantle of infallibility and presides as Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God.

Key Requirements

Qualifications for this position include: Ordination as a priest and steady progress through the hierarchy of the Roman Catholic Church. Commitment to the defense of the sanctity of life of fetuses while demanding the subordination of women to their husbands, children, and fetuses. Demonstrated ability to promote superstition and ignorance and to stifle critical thinking.

His Holiness will enslave women, forcing them to bear children against their will by opposing all forms of birth control, including abortion. He must administer a worldwide network that carries out and covers up unspeakable sexual abuse against children. He will demonize and destroy gay people, enforcing the words of the incumbent Pope Benedict that gay people are “manipulating their God-given gender to suit their sexual choice” and destroying the “very essence of the human creature.”

In the footsteps of Pope Benedict XVI, special consideration for:

*Experience in canon law enforcement as a member of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (formerly the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Roman and Universal Inquisition). [The inquisitions were a series of campaigns against Jews, Muslims, and those who questioned the authority of the church or deviated from official doctrine. During the 600 years of the inquisitions, the church terrorized, tortured, imprisoned, robbed, or killed hundreds of thousands of people.]

*Demonstrated ability to hide thousands of priests who sexually abused children, protect them from prosecution, and cover for bishops who transferred sexual predators to places where they could find new victims.

*Prior membership in Hitler Youth is a plus. [Joseph Ratzinger, who later became Pope Benedict XVI, joined the Hitler youth when he was 14 and went on to serve in the German—Nazi—military.]

Benefits include lifetime employment, an exclusive wardrobe, the Popemobile, and adulation by compliant and adoring throngs.

Interested clerics should apply to:

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